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If Fundamentalists Ruled the World…

05 Jul

I was reading in Brennan Manning’s “The Ragamuffin Gospel” this morning and came to the statement, “No greater sinners exist than those so called Christians who disfigure the face of God, mutilate the gospel of grace, and intimidate others through fear. They corrupt the essential nature of Christianity.” This statement got me thinking of what things in the world would be like if Fundamentalist ruled the world. Here is a satirical list of some things that came to mind:

If Fundamentalists ruled the world….

– There would still be wars (just over less significant things than oil)
– Real education would cease.
– Christian history would only go back about 100 years.
– There would be no joy in life.
– Anything popular or new would be seen as sinful so all progress would cease.
– We would all speak the King’s English
– Theaters would be shut down but  BlockBusters would be on every corner
– Fox news and “The Andy Griffith Show” would be the only thing on TV
– Elizabeth Vargas would mysteriously disappear and 20/20 would be shut down.
– There would be no dancing.
– All music would sound like it came from the 1920’s or the back woods of West Virginia.
– We would all buy stock in white hankies.
– State and Federal taxes would decrease while the Tithe would increase.
– Right and wrong would be as stable as the local pastor’s mood swings.
– Kent Hovind would be exonerated. 
– Tina Anderson would be incarcerated.
– Everything would be alliterated.
– Bible preaching would be extinct.
– Culottes would be back in style.
– Women would “know their place”
– Every local town would have its own Pope for every local town would have its own Independent Baptist church.
– What one wears to church would be more important than loving Jesus. 
– Facebook and all social media would be monitored to ensure strict adherence to all Fundamentalist rules. 
– Love would be a thing of the past.
– “Interracial Marriage” would be illegal
– Adultery, fornication, and pedophilia would still continue, but no one would admit it.
– All of world history would be changed so that anyone who accomplished. anything would just happen to be a  Fundamentalist, and Hitler and everyone else was either an atheist, Catholic, or Presbyterian. .. and YES! EVERY  American Founding Father was in deed and Independent Fundamental King James Only Baptist.
– Charles Haddon Spurgeon would never have been Calvinistic.
– A statue of Charles Finney would replace the current statue on Liberty Island.
– Liberty Island would be renamed “Obedience Island” as all Fundamentalists know “Liberty” is just a synonym for “sin”. 
– There would be no such thing as pants women’s pants. 
– Preachers would still preach against women’s pants even though there is no such thing anymore.
– Men couldn’t wear shorts. 
– Men couldn’t wear pink shirts.
– Men couldn’t have beards.
– Beer? What The Fundamentalist is BEER?!
– Every restaurant would be an all you can eat buffet. 
– We would all be in church and in our place every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.
– Everyone in the entire world would dress like a 1950’s White, Middle-class American. 
– The parent’s job would be to raise their children… exactly as the pastor dictates.
– The husband would be the head of every home and the pastor the head of every husband.
– All our children would be forced to attend H.A.C.
– John Calvin would be exhumed and burned; Jack Hyles would be enshrined and worshiped. 
– BBN would be the only radio station. 
– No one would actually know the gospel. 
– The world would still be “going to hell in a hand basket”, only at twice as fast. (Matt. 23:15)

 
3 Comments

Posted by on July 5, 2011 in Legalism

 

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3 responses to “If Fundamentalists Ruled the World…

  1. Brandon

    July 23, 2011 at 11:48 am

    This. is. hilarious. And incredibly profound and insightful.

     
  2. A. C. Baker

    July 23, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    You are possibly a man after my own heart (unless you are older than me, then that place me in a position of coming along after yours). At one point I probably had dreams of every one of the things in your list coming to pass. I even planned on attending Hyles-Anderson back in the 80’s.

    Sad, though, how the term “fundamentalist” has become a derogatory term. It is not the fundamentals of the faith that are bad, but the legalists who add to them and declare themselves righteous.

     
    • danielpulliam

      July 23, 2011 at 6:51 pm

      ” It is not the fundamentals of the faith that are bad, but the legalists who add to them and declare themselves righteous.” you are right on here, bro!

       

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