Xaphan: you Moron!
I received your letter explaining how your church is having revival services into Wednesday (which is good as Lucifer knows you need practice), and while you see progress in getting them to idolize their teacher, you failed in implementing my most recent lesson. Didn’t work?! What do you mean it didn’t work?! You are a son of Sabnock!!! Failure is not an option! I traveled to your jurisdiction today and spent some time in the pastor’s study. I was only there a little over 10 minutes when I realize why it didn’t work. Have you even looked at his bookcase or perused his kindle? The man has at least 10 different digital translations of the Bible on there and 90% of the books he has are by knowledgeable authors who have given their entire careers to studying the authenticity of Scriptural manuscripts. Gosh, boy! You’re just like your mother! If you’re gonn’a get recognized by the master, you’d better get your head in the game. I’m giving you an inside track, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to work at it.
Okay, enough chiding for now. I noticed something while I was watching the pastor you’ve been assigned. There was a magazine – I almost overlooked it, but as he was studying for this upcoming week’s sermon he dug it out from a stack of papers and was underlining whole paragraphs and even copying some into his manuscript. It was an “Answer’s In Genesis” periodical. Now I did some research on this thing, research YOU should have done, but you’re my son and I don’t want us to look bad so I helped you out. Anyway, I did some research on this magazine and took a sneak peek at his sermon notes and he is going to dedicate the entire sermon to the importance of holding to a Young Earth Creation model (that’s the phrase he got from this magazine anyway) thanks to a little prodding from your’s truly.
This is a great one to get them to exalt as the more their voices of science speak up about how they think the earth is extremely old, those who are of the Young Earth camp will either stop their ears to science thus creating a dichotomy of faith and science (which is absolutely what you want to do .. more on how to use this later) or they will be tempted to throw away their faith as they have been taught that if the Bible is wrong on the age of the earth then it’s wrong on everything! They never consider their interpretation of the first 2 chapters of their blessed book might be off.. and we don’t want them to think like that either.
The key, Xaphan, is to get them to exalt and idea, whether true or false, equal to that of their precious “good news”. Once this is done, they will fight themselves! They will fuel their own fervor by convincing themselves it’s vital to the gospel and just rip their own household down. Like their Jesus said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” As much as I hate to say it, their Jesus is spot on on this point. In my jurisdiction, I’ve got people fighting of music styles, hair length, how often they should meet, whether to go out to eat on their Lord’s day or not. Every little opinion one person holds passionately, I’m able to turn it into an argument that they think if you don’t follow their opinions then you’re dishonoring their God. They don’t even know what the gospel is anymore! I’ll send you a clip of a church in my jurisdiction who I’ve convinced other translations of their bible are from hell. They are ripping apart their own Scriptures with their very hands! Man how good that must feel to do, how I wish I could get a copy of their scriptures and shred it as I throw it in the trash. I also got them to condemn music that is singing praises to their God all because it’s new. HAHA!! I’m including this so you can see how good my work really is. Keep at it, son. Before long, you’ll be as skillfully insidious as I am.
Awaiting an update from you soon,